Bad Joke Friday jokes

What is a blog on genre without a collection of bad jokes?

By consequence: over on Twitter it's what they call #BadJokeFriday. It seems quite necessary as we are all isolating from each others to avoid coronavirus. So, in the spirit of the day I've formed my daily reminder as a call for giggly bad jokes. You can see the tweet and the jokes first hand here. But here are the jokes the tweet draws out. I'll add more as they appear. I guarantee you a groany experience. 

Incidentally, (and not speaking too much about genre labels this time around), what is known as a "dad joke" in English is called an "onkelvits" (uncle joke) in Danish. I have no idea why lame jokes are parental in English, but avuncular in Danish.  

Update: I'm going to add in later jokes as they appear on my twitter timeline. Just for the giggles.

1. Q. What do you call a snowman’s dog? A. A slush puppy!

2. Man at vet:

"I think my dog is a blacksmith""Why do you think that?""Because every time I kick him he makes a bolt for the door" (Note: No pets were harmed during the making of this joke) 

3. A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo." 

4. Due to this year's increase in the twitter character limit, I need to rethink my seasonal joke about the Easter Rabbi 

 

 5.  Name 3 fish, beginning and ending with K

Killer Shark,

Kwiksave Haddock,

Kilmarnock - a plaice in Scotland

6. I would make a joke, but I broke my arm and I now have no sense of humerus. 

 7. Why have elephants got big ears? Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom. (Literally the only joke I know)

 8. What do you call a fish with no eyes?A fsh.

9. Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A fish. 

10.  So, the Past, the Present,and the Future all walked into a bar at the same time. The barman asked ‘Right gents, which of you was here first?’ It was Tense. 

11.   You want a bad joke? You asked for it. Q: What have Henry VIII and Winnie the Pooh in common?A: They have the same middle name.

12. Frog's car broke down.Got toad away. 

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, an Italian and a German were sitting in a room. A man enters and asks "May I join you?" and the reply was... "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja". 

14. Have you heard the one about the Republican Senator who thought Muffin the Mule was a sex offence? 

15. Due to the worsening situation, I've upgraded the musical accompaniment to my hand washing to Wagner's Ring Cycle. Doesn't leave much time for anything else, but safety first. 

16. Q. What do dogs out walking leave behind, that's long, brown and sticky? A. A stick! 

And here begins the new set of jokes ref the update above.

17. Q. How many guitarists does it take to play 'stairway to heaven?'

A. Apparently all of them. 

18. Professor X welcomes a new recruit: “Greetings, friend! What, pray, is your super skill??”

- “Why, Hindsight, professor!”

- “Well that’s not very useful, is it??” 

- “Ah, yes ... I see that now” 

19. My friend thinks girls in uniforms are sexy, but it's all the same to me! 

19½: My wife thinks men in camouflage are sexy, but I can't see it myself. 

20.  I can't find my hi-viz jacket.

- You should demand your money back.

21. How does a poorly baby sheep get to hospital? By Lambulance. 

22. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?...Elephino

23. I bought some shoes off a drug dealer- I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day!

24. And God said to John “ come forth and you shall have eternal life” but John came fifth and won a toaster. 

25. Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, crossed the street and walked into a pub. My life's a joke.

26. John Travolta got Corona, he's got chills, they multiplying but now he's ok, turns out it was just a Saturday Night Fever... so he is Stayin' Alive.

27. Tribal chief hit by ceremonial chair falling from his attic. The headline: “People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.”

28. My girlfriend left me because I was too insecure.

...
....
.....
......

No, wait, she's back, she was just fetching coffee. 

29. I was driving along & my boss rang & said 'You've been promoted' & I swerved.Then he rang up a 2nd time & said "You've been promoted again' & I swerved again. He rang a 3rd time & said 'You're managing director' & I went into a tree.I told the policeman I careered off the road. 

30. A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese. They fear the Wurst Käse scenario. 

31. Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little anti bodies. 

32. Q: Where does the General keep his army?A: Up his sleeve-y. 

33. Someone keeps topping up my allotment with soil overnight - it's a mystery.The plot thickens. 

35. My wife had just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof. 

36. -Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!

 -I know sir, it’s Fly Soup. 

37. "Your test results have come back." "OK, doc, what's the verdict?""You have acute angina.""Look, I came here for help, not be be ogled at!"

38. "Doctor, I think I'm allergic to leather!" "Why's that?" "Every time I go to bed with my shoes on, I wake up with a headache." 

39. "Doctor, I think I'm allergic to tonic water"

"Why's that?"

"No matter what I mix it with, I end up stone drunk!"