Over at The Best Genre Blog Around, Amy Devitt has picked up a topic she treated last year: the apology. This time around it is the horrid public apologies of United Airlines and Sean Spicer that have captured her attention. Taken together, her four different blog posts on this topic begin to look like a coherent statement, and like a genuine research take on the genre.
I contributed to Devitt's discussion with a Twitter-storm on something I call the "parent apology" (it's taken up by her here), or, in Danish, "forældreundskyldningen". The present post is an elaboration on that set of tweets.
The apology
In her posts, Devitt repeatedly quotes psychologist Harriet Lerner's criteria for a good apology. Here in Devitt's summary:
I was fortunate last week to hear psychologist Harriet Lerner practice her sold-out TEDx talk on making good apologies. In Lerner's talk and a column in Psychology Today "You Call THAT an Apology," she explains what makes a good apology:
Lerner points out, too, that the apologizer shouldn't expect forgiveness or a reciprocal apology. Nice if that happens, but separate from the need to apologize or what an apology does.
The parent apology, a failed genre use
The basic idea is that the genre of the apology is sometimes, and notably between parents and children, used in a way which heals nothing, except, in some warped sense, the self-esteem of the apologizer, but actually hurts the person receiving what is supposedly an apology. As a father of four, I have given any number of these - it is a well placed family landmine, and you step on it all too easily. I take care to avoid it these day; and to apologize for real when I find myself having made a parent apology after all. The basic structure of the parent apology is "I am sorry, I yelled at you, but you ..."; and then a repetition, sometimes at length, of the child's wrongdoing.
Coming from Lerner's points, the presence of the "but" is readily apparent as a generic failure. The "but" here is indeed not just a "but", it is a "but you ..." The parent doing the apologizing does not just refer to exonerating circumstances for his or her mistake, but is actively putting the blame for the mistake on the child. The "but" deflects the guilt, the "but you" deflects it on the person apologized to.
As is well known in genre research, a genre attributes distinct, and sometimes highly assymetrical, roles to its participants. In the case of the apology, the apologizer consiously places herself beneath the judgement of the apologee, and through this recognition of the value of the receiver tries to bridge the rift between them having arisen from the transgression.
Getting back on top
So, a failed apology and a spot of victim blaiming on top of that. A classic failure of genre use. However, it does not even stop there. In fact, it gets worse. I´ve discussed the parent apology a number of times with my son David, and when I ask him what the parent's purpose is in using the genre he declares it to be "to get back on top".As is well known in genre research, a genre attributes distinct, and sometimes highly assymetrical, roles to its participants. In the case of the apology, the apologizer consiously places herself beneath the judgement of the apologee, and through this recognition of the value of the receiver tries to bridge the rift between them having arisen from the transgression.
However, the social situation as well as the relationship between the parties involved also plays a major role. If these roles are in themselves strongly assymetrical they may affect how the genre plays out.
In case of the parent apology, the assymetry is obvious as one party (the parent) is decisively socially surperior to the other (the child). This is exploited in the parent apology. The parent, having made a mistake or otherwise done something bad, is in need of redemption, and addresses this exigence through the social action known as apologizing. However, the social assymetry allows him or her to place the blame for the transgression squarely on the child. Thus, the parent can commend himself in for having made the apology, feel relieved of the blame, which has been comfortably left on the child, and move back "on top" of the hierarchy between the two.
From the point of view of the child, however, things are less simple. The child may not be able to see through the predicament, but this is a dubious blessing, as I am quite sure, the child feels it anyway. The child is supposed to feel good for having received an apology (this assumption is itself a transgression of the rule that "the apologizer shouldn't expect forgiveness or a reciprocal apology"). But at the same time, the child in receiving the apology is told to feel guilty about something else and is also saddeled with the responsibility for the bad behavior of the parent.
So, to me, the parent apology is obviously not an actual apology, but it is also particularly cruel uptake of the genre. It takes what should have been an act of healing and an act of redemption and turn it into a subtle form for abuse.
Until then, remember the devious nature of the "but" in the apology, and remember the particular dangers of the "but you ...". So: Parents, don´t try this at home.
In case of the parent apology, the assymetry is obvious as one party (the parent) is decisively socially surperior to the other (the child). This is exploited in the parent apology. The parent, having made a mistake or otherwise done something bad, is in need of redemption, and addresses this exigence through the social action known as apologizing. However, the social assymetry allows him or her to place the blame for the transgression squarely on the child. Thus, the parent can commend himself in for having made the apology, feel relieved of the blame, which has been comfortably left on the child, and move back "on top" of the hierarchy between the two.
The child's perspective
From the point of view of the child, however, things are less simple. The child may not be able to see through the predicament, but this is a dubious blessing, as I am quite sure, the child feels it anyway. The child is supposed to feel good for having received an apology (this assumption is itself a transgression of the rule that "the apologizer shouldn't expect forgiveness or a reciprocal apology"). But at the same time, the child in receiving the apology is told to feel guilty about something else and is also saddeled with the responsibility for the bad behavior of the parent.
So, to me, the parent apology is obviously not an actual apology, but it is also particularly cruel uptake of the genre. It takes what should have been an act of healing and an act of redemption and turn it into a subtle form for abuse.
Stepping on the landmine
Described like this, the situation sounds bleak, but I think most parents have done this from time to time. It happens, I think, for several reasons. First of all, apologizing is hard, it takes an active effort, and you have to accept putting yourself under the judgement of the apologee, this is in certain ways distinctly unpleasant, so the parent apology seductively offers an alternative which is way easier – for the parent, that is. Also, it is basically very easy to do. Given the socially superior position of the parent, he or she can choose this approach with little resistance and very little damage (or at least very little apparent damage) done to himself or herself. Finally, on a slightly more positive note, the impetus to help the child improve is fundamental to parenting, and thus what follows after the "but you" could basically be seen as a part of this attempt to help the child improve. No matter how failed or broken the attempt is in this case.Avoiding the landmine
So, how do you avoid this? Well, you should probably take the advise, David offered when I asked him: Only apologize, if you actually want to apologize, do not conflate the apology and the scolding. A clean scolding is much better than one which is confusingly embedded in an apology. This, at least, allows the child to understand and react to the parent's actual social action. Of course, one might add, the scolding itself is probably a genre that should be used with great caution by parents; but that is a topic for another time.Until then, remember the devious nature of the "but" in the apology, and remember the particular dangers of the "but you ...". So: Parents, don´t try this at home.
See john Schwartz nytimes reporter his opted on apologies too. The best. With humor
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